My son is currently in a state that I'm referring to as "dependent independence". He wants to walk everywhere...but he wants to hold my hand. He needs a nap to get through the day...but he doesn't seem to want to take one that's longer than about 45 minutes, which is definitely not enough. He most emphatically does not want his diaper changed...but he's too young to grasp potty training. It's very frustrating for the both of us, and is complicated by his lack of speech. See, he doesn't talk. He babbles, and sometimes he says words that sound like other things, but never on a consistent basis. We can't even say that he says "mama" or "dada". Sure, he says "mamamamamama" and "dadadadada," but he doesn't do it to get our attention, or even when he sees us. He definitely understands a lot. He follows simple commands, even the ones that are a bit more abstract ("put your bottom on the bottom," for example, which basically means sit down in the tub). But the words aren't coming. The pediatrician isn't worried yet, because he does understand and respond to verbal commands. Of course, I'm a little worried, because I'm his mother and that's what we do, but also because I know way too many kids with speech problems. It boils down to a basic fear that there's something wrong with my child, which of course would be my fault, because what is motherhood without self-flagellation, and/or a basic frustration on both our parts because if there isn't anything wrong with his speech and he's just refusing to speak, he won't tell me what he wants and I can't figure it out.
I guess I'm in a state of dependent independence, too. Nate's of an age now that it's not as easy to impose my will on him. He's much less portable now. I may have my own plans for the day, but he has his, too, and is quite vocal about them. I tried to take him to the outlet mall today, so I could look for swimsuit tops (ugh) and some sandals. I thought it would be good for us to get out, let him walk around a bit. The umbrella stroller was in the trunk of my husband's car, but no matter, I thought. He can walk! I'll just hold his hand! It'll be fine!
Anyone who's parented a toddler has likely laughed themselves silly at this point. It went as well as you'd expect. We hit two stores and were gone about ten minutes before I aborted the whole stupid attempt. It hit me full-on as we were headed back to the car that my life just got exponentially harder. I am, at the best of times, in somewhat of a pre-hermit state anyway. But now, even my occasional desire for public company is going to be nearly impossible for the next....I don't know, three or four years at least. That revelation was not good for my mental state. We live in a very small town. We have no family any closer than a 6.5 hour drive. We have no close friends anywhere closer than an hour and change. The childcare options are nearly nonexistent.
It's enough to make me want to bury my head in the sand, if my son would let me leave the house to find any.
